Raising kids in hindsight

Your kids won’t remember everything you tell them. In fact, I think they will forget most of it. There will be those phrases you always say, “mom” quotes, or they may remember when you told them they are beautiful, smart and caring. But mostly, we forget as time goes on what might have been said to us. (amazingly though, we don’t so fast forget the bad things said to us, do we?)  So, although those most important lessons we want to impart, to say to them every day or in those special moments, may be forgotten, what they won’t forget is how we made them feel. I have tried throughout my motherhood journey to be aware and present to my kids, to make sure they know they are loved. Looking back, reflecting on whether I did this or did not do these things, my kids have turned out pretty great. 

How we make our kids feel: 

• Our kids feel worthy because they were listened to, really listened when they talked. 
• Our kids feel valued because we spent time with them, put them first. Not always, but mostly- (I know as a single mom for a time that’s not always possible). But you spent time with them playing games, taking walks, cooking, building lego communities - not just checking a box but actually present with them laughing and having fun. 
• Our kids feel loved because we accepted them for who they are and didn’t try to make them someone they are not. Even if it was a surprise and nothing like what we expected. 
• Our kids feel cared for because, although it wasn’t always easy and didn’t always happen, we mostly met their needs (not wants, but needs)
• Our kids feel supported because they know we’d fight to the death for them. I always felt there were too many factors in life against them, I needed to be for them and show them. 
• Our kids feel independent because I didn’t do everything for them. My son has thanked me for showing him how to iron his Boy Scout uniform many years ago (he now uses a steaming wand but at least he knows the importance of looking straight!) And they would most likely discuss how I might have done more for one than another! 

It’s hit home more recently with my son getting married. Wow - here we are all these years later. He did grow up and he does remember his childhood and he can look back now and think about his upbringing. Too many times now when I hear kids being talked to in condescending ways, put down or harassed, I think one day they are going to grow up and remember how you are making them feel right now. And then you will wonder why you aren’t close to your kids, why they don’t come visit or want to spend time with you. This is so eye opening for me and I am here to tell you that yes, how you talk to your kids and what you say to them is so important. But even more so is how you are making them feel. Your words do matter as do your actions but it’s both put together that give them a feeling of either belonging or not. Of being loved or not. Of being accepted and supported or not. 

I am thrilled about his choice for his lifelong partner. It’s a mom’s prayer answered. She is the perfect complement to him and a loving, caring, kind & compassionate person. But what I am so stricken by is when she and her parents thanked me for raising such an amazing caring, loving, kind person. Wow - yes, thank you very much. I will take some credit for this because it was not always easy and I didn’t always say or do the right things, at least I wasn’t sure - but this is affirmation to me. My faith, my prayers to God to please help me raise kids to be kind and caring adults, to be faithful and acknowledge God in all our ways -thank you God for prayers answered. Our kids grow up, they move on, and they will take with them a part of you and how you made them feel. Good or bad. 

And take heart, I don’t think it’s ever too late to start anew and rethink or redo. Because our kids do look up to us and do want our love, they can be pretty forgiving too if we ask.