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I grew up 1 of 6 kids and 1 of 48 grandchildren on my Mom’s side! Combined with my Dad’s Greek side who are all about family - well, to say the least, I had a wonderful childhood full of family, family, and more family. Picnics at the park, big family dinners, attending church all together and gathering with my cousins for awesome vacations, and prayer services because someone in the family was in extra need of prayer.
I knew all I wanted in life was to be a MOM and have a family. Having lost my mom at only 17, I wanted to have kids and be there for them every step of the way. So it was with great elation and joy my first pregnancy came to be not long after getting married. I told the world and began the planning of how I would stay at home, what the room would like for our little love, started a journal of everyday feelings, shared my joy with everyone I met. And then 8 weeks later, the devastating news our sweet baby had stopped growing and there was no longer a little heartbeat.
Dear God - what??!! How can this be - all of my 5 siblings had children with no issues. WHY ME?? Where is my baby, where is my life going to go now? It was with the heaviest heart we went through each step and I began that long journey back to what - normalcy?
Normalcy was now changed and so was my life forever. I went down that road of what did I do wrong, what could I have done better, what if, what if…that spiraling down down to emptiness. It was hard to face anyone I had told, those at work, at church, family friends, it took me months to even go back to gatherings, as I did not want to face my loss and have to talk about it.
Well, my journey didn’t end there, as I suffered through 3 more miscarriages and loss, and with each one - more of a loss of JOY and expectation of being a MOM.
There were many who tried to comfort me and tell me all would be okay. But honestly, I was in a state of hopelessness. A place my FAITH would never allow me to go - I was there. Dear GOD - where are you, Jesus help me. My heart yearns for a child, to be a MOM. I promise, I’ll do anything if I can just hold my beautiful healthy baby in my arms.
Through all of the grief and sorrow and hopelessness, I did not hit despair. I think we can at times feel like a situation is hopeless, but despair is a step further. Despair is giving up all Faith that GOD has a special plan set in place already.
So the happy ending to this sad story is, after miscarrying several, I gave a healthy birth to Tom, my now 28 year old bundle of love and joy. I suffered another miscarriage after having Tom and then came Dave and eventually the twins Jack and Anna.
Life’s not fair, but GOD is GOOD.
My heart aches every time I hear of a friend, family member or anyone really that has suffered a miscarriage. I feel their pain, I want to reach out and touch their heart and let them know GOD is GOOD and all will be okay. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart (PS 37:4). My desire to be a MOM was so deeply rooted in me, I just could not slip to despair. Please know that I share in your sorrow and I understand your pain. I want to let you know GOD our Father cares so deeply for us.
I’ll never forget after my first miscarriage, my Dad was the one who took me to the hospital for the D&C. The look of sorrow on his face when he was speaking to the doctor and asking her why his “GO” (his nickname for me - short for Margo) - all of his other daughters have had children. And I thought, he is my earthly father and I see how deep his sorrow is. How much deeper is my creator's sorrow and love for me?
GOD, be with each and every one of us Momma’s and Momma’s to be out here.
Remember my friends, the promises of GOD - repeat them over and over again - Lord you promised If I Delight in YOU, you will give me my heart’s desire, you promised if I knocked, the door would be opened. Repeat these affirmations and promises daily as GOD our heavenly Father and Creator wants good for us and has a plan for each of us.
May God Bless you - MK xxoo
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